With and Without You

Have you ever searched the English language and come up empty?

After our daughter’s accident, I was in a dichotomy of losing a daughter,

while gaining her in a very different way.

I couldn’t find a word to describe the swirl of dual emotions:

vacant, but aware.

empty, yet overflowing,

appreciate and angry.

In the deep, light often shined brightest.

---

Years later, I stumbled upon a word from my own heritage.

Saudade – breathtaking, isn’t it?

This word is the closest I’ve found to capture my feelings.

Saudade – “the love that remains” after someone is gone.

• A deep nostalgic longing
• A repressed knowledge that the object of longing is missing, absent, and may never return
• Saudade brings both sad and happy feelings at once; sadness from missing and happiness for having experienced a deep love

---

Today is our daughter Aviana’s birthday. She would’ve been thirteen.

Instead, she’s forever two; the age of her accident.

And seven — the age she passed.

Like the spin of clock arms, I too, follow a pattern. I feel good, but then normal bends and a light heart warps. I’ve grown to notice the undertones in the days leading up, as they’re sporadic and sneaky in approach:

Simple makes me cry.

My muscles tighten.

Dave and I are close, but drift in and out of our own worlds too.

My mom is the same.

Childhood nostalgia makes me sad.

My body’s heavy in step, mind, and spirit.

Back to school supplies make me weepy (office supply junkie who wanted to share the love with my child)!

Motivation is spotty.

Unrelated sad is sadder because unintentionally connected to Avi.

Concentration shatters like glass.

---

Isn’t grief interesting? The first months of Aviana’s accident, I hopped a rollercoaster. I quickly noticed an up follows every down. I learned to feel the feelings, hold on for dear life, wait, and by God it would pass. That is until next time.

Quotes and sayings are so for good reason because, “this too shall pass” is legit. Knowing and remembering while ‘in it” sure helps. So with time, experience, and repetition, these couple ebb and flow days are over. And like clockwork, I feel light.

Dave, Rainey, and I are off for a fine birthday together. We’ll do as always and go where the wind… and our girl take us.

---

This little girl crawled into our hearts and was gone seven years later.

In that short time, she turned my thirty-two years top down. Most I believed, changed. I didn’t know it, but phrases and words were just that and after, held deep tangible meaning.

In 4.5 years, we watched our daughter deteriorate and die. Our relationships and lives changed. “The secret of life is to ‘die before you die’ — and find that there is no death” became real. That said — work, home life, our circle of family and friends, and travel fell into their respective places.

Without Aviana there wouldn’t be pie, a deep passion, love, and understanding for real food, quality ingredients, and savoring moments.

Without movement or words, she taught balance and the nuances of life and death. She showed how to both honor and grieve, but also celebrate the wonder and spark of being exuberantly alive. This little one showed me that I may not like or understand, but can accept living with and without her.